Tweak

I just finished Tweak by Nic Sheff, the son of David who wrote beautiful boy.  Here's what I've taken from it:

"There's something about outward appearances that has always been important to me.  I always thought I was so ugly.  I mean, I really did.  I remember being in L.A. at my mom's house as a little kid and just staring into the mirror for hours.  It was like, if I looked long enough, maybe I'd finally be handsome.  It never worked.  I just got uglier and uglier.  Nothing about me ever seemed good enough.  And there was this sadness inside me - this hopelessness.  Focusing on my physical appearance was at least external - at least, to a point.  I could buy different clothes, or cut my hair, or whatever.   The pit opening up inside me was too frightening to even look at ... It's so shallow and ridiculous and I see it, but I'm powerless to change.  I mean, I don't know how to change.  All I can do is just shoot more goddamn drugs."

"I always get so overwhelmed trying to do everything perfectly.  I can't do a job and not put everything into it.  I need to be the best employee, the best coworker, the best whatever.  I need everyone to like me and I just burn out bending over backward to make that happen.  Having people mad at me is my worst fear.  I can't stand it.  There is this crazy fear I have of being rejected by anyone - even people I don't really care about."

"No matter how much I want to, I can't actually believe that there is a power guiding me.  It just doesn't make sense to me on a deep, visceral level.  I don't believe in God - not really.  Honestly, that scares me.  I'm worried I won't be able to work the twelve-step program."

"I get up at 6 a.m. every day to exercise and I feel really crazy and anxious if I miss it.  It's like I need to kill my body with exercise in order to be calm enough to function throughout the rest of the day.  I also have incredible anxiety socializing with people.  I mean, if I'm at work, or I'm high, then that's okay.  But sober, going out with people my age, I am just really uncomfortable.  I'm not sure what it is that scares me.  Maybe I just don't know what to say and I'm constantly worried about what they think about me."