Moving on

I confessed my malfeasance to my sponsor yesterday over an email.  She called me directly, and we discussed in length about what steps to take in the future so this pattern doesn't continue.  I know it's so much work, but I asked her to give me a daily account of what I should eat each meal every day, the time spanning over 5 days.  It's bizarre.  I am aware of what a risk meal looks like, but if I am in control of eating it, my ED voice takes over and tells me I can't do it.  But if my sponsor is in control of my meal, then it's her voice that's telling me it's okay to eat.  For instance, yesterday morning I plotted my risk meal to be an omelette.  No one told me to eat an omelette, but that meal I consider a risk.  But I just couldn't do it.  Do I prepare it myself?  Do I go to a restaurant and eat by myself?  Do I go to Whole Foods and risk purchasing other binge items?  I am having sensory overload during this risk meal period.  

Today my breakfast consisted of one scrambled egg, one bagel, and one piece of fruit.  My lunch is a ready-made salad from Whole Foods with grilled chicken and feta cheese.  I must use all of the salad dressing, but I don't have to eat the entire salad.  I also have to eat most of a whole grain roll.  My snack is a piece of fruit in the afternoon.  Dinner is a piece of grilled chicken, a side of roasted vegetables, and a side of brown rice.  I'm not nearly as anxious about this as I was about the turkey sandwich.  

Last night I risked a bite of guacamole as well as a bite of chicken with sour cream.  And guess what?  I'm still alive.